TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot where American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present All people a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower Trump Tower Damascus in a very war zone. It can be that he ought to halt working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from Area, a element staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD may have turn-down support."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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